Hi Everyone!
Welcome back to Ask Leslie, your go-to guide for life's everyday dilemmas. September has arrived, and while letting go of summer is never easy, I confess fall is my favorite season. There's something elegant about it... the crisp air, the golden sunsets, and yes, the fashion!
Fittingly, September is our style issue, and this month's letters each touch on style in their own way. Not just what hangs in our closets, but how we present ourselves to the people in our lives. One reader has a closet full of clothes and nothing to wear, another wonders if her gift-giving is going unnoticed, and a third longs to feel chosen again after 15 years of marriage. True style has never been only about the outfit. It's how we dress, how we give, and how we love.
So pour some mulled wine, settle in, and let's turn over a new leaf together.
xx Leslie
I have a closet full of clothes, but I still feel like I have nothing to wear. What's the first thing a stylist would tell me to do before I go shopping?
Great question! And I suffer from this too! Even after regularly donating clothes and editing my closet, I still feel like I gravitate towards the same small grouping of shoes and clothes. To best answer this question, I've reached out to (super fab) local stylist Natalie Decleve of Natty Style.
Dear Style Stuck,
A classic problem! If you have a stuffed closet, the fix is rarely to buy more until you understand what you have. We often keep a lot of "meh" items that make it harder to see the pieces that we love, and getting dressed becomes daunting.
Go through your closet piece by piece and be brutally honest about whether each item belongs in your closet. Does it actually fit? Does it suit your current lifestyle? Do you have too many items that serve the same purpose, even if they look slightly different?
Remember that even if something was expensive, it's not earning money back by sitting in your closet. And who cares what the brand is if it doesn't look good. As a stylist, I guide any new client through this process before we buy a single thing, but anyone can make a day of it on their own. As you go, you will start to see wardrobe gaps and identify what (if anything) you need to pull everything together. Sometimes, it is just a matter of spending time trying on different outfit combinations to realize that you have more than what you thought!
Natalie is a local fashion stylist with 17 years of styling experience in NYC. Effortless polish is her forte, whether for events and appearances, work, date nights, or everyday attire. She makes getting dressed easy for both men and women through thoughtful closet curation, lookbook styling and wardrobe maintenance.
WEB // www.nataliedecleve.com INSTA // @natty_style
I never show up to a friend's home empty-handed. But one friend never acknowledges my gift after she's opened it (always once I've left). I like to think I'm a good gifter, so I find it a little strange and a little rude. It's bothering me more than I expected. Do I say something, or let it go?
Dear All Wrapped Up,
You're my kind of gal, and I'm with you here... zero acknowledgement of your gifting does seem a little strange. I'm sure you're a great gifter, and even if your friend doesn't love every gift, it's still poor taste not to at least mention the thought behind it. You're being polite and generous, and that deserves a "thank you".
Here's my take: you can't please everyone. If it's acknowledgement you're seeking, casually mention it over text or the next time you see her. Something simple like, "Oh hey, forgot to ask, how are the new coasters working out? I saw them and thought of you." If it continues to bother you after that, stop bringing this friend hostess gifts and save your thoughtfulness for someone who appreciates it.
But also ask yourself... are you giving gifts to receive a little extra love, or purely from the kindness of your heart? Your answer matters more than hers ever will.
xx Leslie
My husband and I have been together for 15 years, and lately it feels like we're running parallel lives. On paper we look great. The logistics run, we get along, but I'm starting to feel more like the manager of our life than someone he's actually choosing. Help! Is this just what happens after so many years of marriage?
This is not simply "what happens" after 15 years. But your letter deserves more than my two cents. A phrase like "the manager of our life" deserves real expertise.
So I brought in Tiffany Florio, an intimacy expert based in Darien and the creator of 'Intimate Storytelling', a framework that helps women rebuild connection in their relationships.
Dear Love Logistics,
This is so common, and 15 years in, it makes total sense. At some point, the marriage turned into a to-do list and you became the one holding it all together. Nobody decided to stop choosing each other. It's just what worked, so you kept doing it. So how do you find your way back?
A few ideas:
Get clear on what kind of connection is worth wanting. Name it, even if it feels awkward. You can't reach for something you haven't let yourself want out loud.
Don't forget the in-between stuff: the flirting, the hand holding, the kiss and hug in the first minute he walks through the door. Bringing it back will remind you both that closeness doesn't have to wait for date night.
And try telling him a story instead of having a talk. "We need to reconnect" lands like an agenda item. Try "Remember that trip when we..." instead. Get into the details: where were you, what were you wearing, what were you doing? "Remember that trip when we... [got lost in Chicago / biked along the beach / ordered every dessert on the menu]?" Sharing a story pulls you out of the everyday and gives you a chance to remind both of you what it feels like to be chosen.
You're asking to be lovers again, not just partners, the kind who choose each other, not just the kind who get things done. More of us need to be having this exact conversation.
Tiffany Florio is the Creator of Intimate Storytelling, a framework for helping women improve intimacy in their relationships. She's a wife and mom of three girls based in Darien.
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"True style has never been only about the outfit. It's how we dress, how we give, and how we love."