The first time I heard the phrase “messing the nest” it was a more colorful version. One of my closest friends has a daughter, a few years older than my son. As her high school graduation approached, she shared, “This is such a hard time. She’s picking fights with us, not listening, and is constantly annoyed!” My friend wanted loving, sentimental moments before her daughter left for college but instead found herself heartbroken and confused.
Much of the conversation about “messing the nest” focuses on a child’s developmental work to individuate and leave home. Young adults may instinctively make home life less comfortable—through arguing, irritability, or pushback—to ease the transition to independence. That makes sense. They’re facing a huge and often frightening step.
But, I think this phenomenon is missing a vital component: parental stress.
As our kids become adults, we’re navigating our own developmental changes. The relationship is shifting, our role is evolving, and we’re left wondering who we’ll be when the nest is empty. Those are enormous identity questions. Our worries also reflect real concerns. Many teens struggle with anxiety and depression, and declining mental health remains a significant risk for some. The calmer we can become ourselves, the easier it is for our teens to approach us with their struggles and accept support.
Now, I’m launching my first kid and living this moment with all its intensity. This year has held excitement, fear, pride, frustration, hope, impatience, and grief as I watch the time with our firstborn steadily tick down. For years I could control many aspects of his life; now it’s imperative that I let him take the reins and learn through experience.
The anxiety I carry is uncomfortable; and I know my son feels my tension. Parenting right now feels like a balancing act: helping him prepare for graduation and independent living while trying not to let my own worry spill over.
As a couple and family therapist, I parent with a relational mindset. Relational therapy is rooted in systems theory—the idea that families must be understood as interconnected systems. You don’t blame a tomato plant for failing to thrive; you examine its soil, sunlight, water, and environment. Parents are a significant part of our teen’s environment. I’m witnessing in real time how my own emotions affect my high school senior. Our family exists within larger systems—siblings, grandparents, schools, neighbors, and countless outside pressures—that often amplify anxiety.
Thinking this way reminds me that what’s happening within me influences everyone around me. What if some of the “messing the nest” behaviors we notice are shaped not only by our children’s drive for independence but also by the stress we bring into the system? If so, we have influence in improving the situation.
When we change what we bring into a system, we interrupt old patterns. If we want more calm, we have to practice creating it within ourselves:
- Recognize what’s happening for you. Name the emotions, memories, and fears surfacing during this transition.
- Own your feelings. Share them with trusted people and stay curious about how they affect those around you.
- Practice compassion. Honor the work you’ve done raising this young adult, extend grace to them as they find their footing, and celebrate what’s going well.
- Focus on the relationship. You can’t take these next steps for your child, but by prioritizing your connection, they’re more likely to see you as a resource than an adversary.
Let’s take care of ourselves as parents and as a community so we can be a soft landing place when our kids need support. Paulette Denman practices in-person on Mercer Island, and virtually throughout Washington. magpie-therapy.com
If you, or your teen need support, please email paulette@magpie-therapy.com, dial 988 for emergency support, or text HOME to 741741.
Often, unspoken worries that our children’s choices reflect on us, cause us to question our parenting. Conversely, recognizing the remarkable achievement of raising a human into adulthood, is a wondrous thing, really.
Let’s care for ourselves as parents, and as a community, to create a landing place when our kids need support.