Amy Rainer keeps a special box that holds notes she’s received over the years. “Without exception, every single note in that box has some type of meaningful sentiment that speaks to the value of my relationship with that person,” she says. “Letters and notes can be kept and read over and over again. Those are the true ‘gifts.’”
As an etiquette and gratitude educator, Amy teaches students — and adults — the lasting power of putting pen to paper. Here, she shares why the tradition matters more than ever, how to make your notes personal, and why the smallest details make the biggest difference.
In an age of texts and emails, many of us rarely put pen to paper. What is it about a handwritten thank-you note that still carries a sense of grace and presence no digital message can replicate?
There is an underlying message that accompanies a handwritten note. From choosing just the right stationary for your recipient to using humor or warmth based on the occasion, a handwritten note whispers, “You deserve the time, thought and expense that went into this note.”
Readers often wonder how much is enough, or too much, when writing a thank-you. How do you strike the balance between polished and personal?
I suggest letting the main focus be the relationship rather than the gift. When teaching lessons on gratitude and the written thank-you note, I offer this model for my students:
- Compliment the gift giver (not the gift). Think of something admirable or complimentary that you can say about that person.
- Write the words “thank you” and say something about the gift that you were given or the kind thing that someone did for you. This is the place where you show your grateful heart.
- Let them know how you plan to use the gift, how you enjoyed your time with them, or how you felt after they were kind to you.
- Say something about the next time you hope to see them. This shows that you enjoy having them in your life and that you value the relationship.
- Finally, thank them for the gift one more time and sign the note.
From the paper itself to the ink and envelope, the physical details of a note carry their own message. What role does beautiful stationery play in elevating the act of gratitude?
Beautiful stationary is a way that we can “gift the gift giver”! It is a way to send the “you are valued” message to our recipients. From choosing the perfect font for your monogram to deciding if an envelope liner is the perfect final touch, beautiful stationary is a way to express yourself before the pen even touches the paper! In the hustle and bustle of our busy lives, taking the time to sit down and compose a handwritten note is falling by the wayside. Sending a handwritten note is the most elegant way to say “thank you”!
Many parents want to instill gratitude in their children, but forcing a formulaic “thank you” can feel uninspired. What’s your advice for helping children embrace the ritual in a way that feels genuine and lasting?
Long before children can write on their own, parents can begin guiding them to express gratitude in simple ways. Even “drawers” can “write” a thank-you note! I like to begin with my very youngest students by encouraging the children to draw a picture and guiding them to dictate a sentence (or two) of gratitude to their parent. Anytime a child can dictate a heartfelt sentiment, that holds meaning for the recipient!
Some readers may associate thank-you notes with duty or social expectation. How can reframing them as a gift to the recipient transform the way we approach them?
At the end of the day, our relationships are the true gifts. The presents that we receive for birthdays or holidays are just tangible reminders of the precious relationships in our lives. Focusing on the relationship first and the gift second will help produce a note that is meaningful to the recipient!
Sometimes the most meaningful notes are those sent for no obvious reason at all. When might a spontaneous thank-you have the greatest impact?
Have you ever heard of a “surcee”? A surcee is a southern term for a thoughtful and unexpected gift. Often inexpensive, these gifts are given “just because” and show care and love rather than celebrating an occasion. Dropping surcees on my friends’ doorsteps is one of my favorite things to do! It’s a simple way to show those I love that I appreciate their presence and influence in my life! An unexpected note is the written form of a surcee. When was the last time you wrote a note to someone telling them how much they enhance your life? What about writing to let them know how much you value the solid advice or loyal friendship they provide? In today’s world, “surcee notes” might be just the thing we need to be sending and receiving! They include encouraging and affirming words that speak to parts of our character and will long outlive tangible gifts! Those might be the “thank you notes” that have the greatest impact!
Amy is offering a complimentary resource for those ready to extend gratitude to someone in their life. Visit etiquettewithamy.com and use code BHAMLIFESTYLE to download her Thank You Note Guide — her gift to you.
Stationery throughout this story provided by @dogwood.hill and @keycirclepress, two Birmingham paperies keeping the art of beautiful correspondence alive.